Mama of the Tribe  Torah Observant Blog

Pre-Courtship/Betrothal Questions

 

 

The following is a list of questions a maiden may want to ask of her suitor and likewise the suitor to the maiden. THey were taken from the following website but I have changed a bit to fit our faith. You dont have to ask these questions in any particular order, let the conversations flow, but come back to this list to ask more questions and check off the ones you already asked. If you are speaking via email or letters at first, it is wise to start making a word document and save all responses and questions there... This is extremely important to have it all written down. Trust me.

 

 

Your Spiritual Life

• What are the evidences of your salvation?

• What do you understand to be the role of baptism? What about the Yeshua's last supper/passover? Who should participate in these sacraments?

• What do you understand to be Elohims purposes/priorities for the congregation/fellowship?

• What is your view of the Sabbath and the proper use of that day? What activities can children enjoy on the Sabbath? Where will we attend?

• What is the present day application of the Mosaic Law?

• What do you see as the man’s role in the local in the assembly? Womens role?

• What do you see as your wife’s role in local ministry?

• How do you view age-segregation in the the fellowship/congregation (youth groups)?

• What is your view on the celebration of Christmas and Easter, Halloween, Valentines Day, 4th of July, New Years, Thanksgiving?

• How would those who know you well describe your personal character?

• Are you faithful in congregation/fellowship attendance/participation? How long have you been a member of your current fellowship?

• What are your habits with regard to prayer and Bible study?

• What is your opinion of personal witnessing?

• What would you say is your spiritual gift(s)?

• What are your spiritual strengths?

• What is your father’s understanding of being TO? How would you describe your father’s personal character?

• What is your mother’s understanding of being TO? How would you describe your mother’s personal character?

• Recognizing we are all imperfect, in what one or two areas do you think God wants you to improve most?

• Do you have a teachable spirit? Can you cite any examples?

• Do you agree to circumsicion on the 8th day?

• Do you keep all of Yahwehs commanded feasts? and not work on those days?

• Would you ever work on Shabbat? Or would you stand your ground and stand up for Yahwehs sign for his people.

• Can you give examples of situations where you had to rely on faith?

• Do you keep biblical kosher?

• Birthdays, celebrate or no?

• What is your view on Hanukkah and Purim?

• How will we spend Erev Shabbat once married? daylight portion?

• What Calendar are you on? Hillel? Sliver New moon? Equinox, etc.

• Rosh Chodesh, conjunction or sliver?

• How do you count the Omer for Shavuot? Any special traditions?

• Tzitzot, men, women?

• Prayer time? when and what times of day?

• Family devotional, daily or weekly?

• What is your belief on Yeshua, is he the son or Yahweh in the flesh?

• What do you say the Fathers name?

• How do you classify yourself? Messianic, Nazarene, Hebrew Roots, TO in Messiah, I just follow the Scriptures. etc.

• Do you put up Mezzuzah's in the door?

• Where do you go for Sukkot every year?

• What is your favorite account of the Scriptures?

• Who is your favorite Prophet and why?

• What area do you most study in the Scriptures and why?

• Explain what dressing Modest means to you, for both male and female.

• Should a woman wear a head covering? always, or just in the temple or when in prayer or never?

• Lets talk about Ephesians 5 and how that would apply to a biblical marriage if we were to move forward.

• Try and think of any important biblical questions that is of importance to you and talk about it.

 

Your Relationships

• Describe your relationship with your father? Was (is) it honoring? Was (is) it obedient?

• Do any mental or emotional illnesses that could effect your children run in your family?

• Describe your relationship with your mother? Was (is) it honoring? Was (is) it obedient?

• How many siblings do you have? What are their names, ages, cities of residence? Can you describe your relationship with each of your siblings?

• Can you describe your relationship with your grandparents?

• Can you describe your relationship with your friends? Have you ever been peer-dependent? How did you resist this?

• Are you consistently faithful in fulfilling your commitments? Give examples.

• Do you show a regular willingness to serve others? In what ways?

• In what ways is self-centeredness expressed in your life?

• How do you relate to authority in your life? If so, what adjectives would your employers use to describe you?

• Have you ever been a supervisor? If so, what adjectives would your employees use to describe you?

• Are you ever manipulative of others?

• What kinds of situations cause you frustration? How do you respond?

• What circumstances might make you impatient or angry? How do you handle anger? Have you ever been violent? Do you raise your voice when angry?

• Have you ever had to deal with a broken relationship? If so, please provide the details of that relationship, how long ago, the situation, and how did you handle it?

• Personal Habits Affecting Marriage. ex: chewing gum, not cleaning the car, throwing things when mad, picking boogars, swearing etc...

• What are your beliefs regarding diet? Are your eating habits disciplined? Do you have any food dislikes? Are you a vegetarian?

• Do you have a weight problem?

• Do you have any physical or mental disabilities or diseases? Any allergies? Prior or current health problems?

• Do you drink alcohol? If so, what and how often? What are your views on alcohol?

• Do you smoke? What are your views on smoking?

• Are your spending habits disciplined? Do you tithe? What is your view of debt?

• How would you describe your work ethic? Do you have a high standard of excellence? Do you tend to be either slothful or a workaholic? How many hours per week do you work?

• Do you travel with your job? If so, how often? Do you see this changing in your future?

• If a relocation were offered to you by an employer, would you consider it? What would you weigh when considering such a move?

• What is your discipline in studying?

• Do you read regularly, and if so, what? Who is your favorite author? Outside the Bible, what would be your five favorite non-fiction books? Five favorite fiction books?

• What are your habits regarding sleeping? Are you lethargic? Are your sleep habits irregular?

• Do you follow a regular schedule? Are you organized?

• Would you consider yourself neat or messy?

• What is your practice regarding personal prayer?

• What is your level of personal cleanliness and hygiene?

• Do you have any personal habits that might annoy others?

• Balance of job and family

• Overtime work

• When wife disagrees with husband – what should happen?

• Should any information be withheld from spouse? If so, what and when?

• What if wife is negligent in an area of her responsibility?

• What if husband is negligent in an area of his responsibility?

• What are the basic responsibilities of wife?

• What are the basic responsibilities of husband?

• What role do in-laws play in a marriage?

• How to handle disagreements with parents or in-laws

• Care of elderly parents and grandparents

• Rest home vs. on property vs. in your home

• Holidays – with extended family or at home?

• How important is extended family?

• Ever consider moving far away from extended family? Under what
  conditions?

• The role of seeking counsel when making decisions

• When is it appropriate to reject the counsel of others?

• Role of female friends in wife’s life

• Role of male friends in husband’s life

• What if spouse is going against the clear teaching of Scripture and church
  leaders?

• How to resolve disagreements and offenses? How soon? What compromises
  are you willing to make? Who has the final authority in areas of
  disagreement?

• How much time do you want your spouse spending on activities away from
  home without you?

• Can each spouse have a close friend of the opposite sex they spend alone time with                                                                                  or over the phone? (Not a good idea)

• What are specific ways that a wife can serve as a helper to her husband?

• Do you like lots of company, or do you prefer more time to yourself and alone
  with your family?

 

Marital Roles

• If you already subscribe to the concept of courtship, give me your definition of it.

• Do you tend to be more of a leader or follower in life? Can you cite any examples?

• In making decisions, what role does God’s Word play?

• What is your attitude toward women? What is their purpose?

• What is your view on the role of a wife?

• What are your views on women working outside the home?

• What are your views concerning divorce and remarriage?

• Can you tell me your thoughts on how a man should provide for a wife and family?

• Can you tell me your thoughts on how a man should protect a wife and children?

• How do you feel about guns?

• How do you see your future relationship with your in-laws working out?

• What has been your prior experience with dating and romance? Have you ever kissed or been physically intimate in any way with a girl/woman? If so, explain the circumstances.

• Are you circumcised? Do you know the Difference between Brit Milah and Periah Circumcision? Which one do you have?

• Is the Father willing to circumcise his own son, will you do it at Dr's office, or hire a Mohel?

• What is your stand on abortion? What about in the case of rape?

• How do you relate to children? How often are you around children?

• What are your thoughts regarding birth control and family planning?

• How many children do you hope to have?

• What is your attitude toward adopting children?

• What are your views on child training, including corporal punishment? If, so when to use spanking? Or never use spanking?

• Who disciplines the children when both parents are present?

• Should grandparents discipline their grandchildren?

• What to do when one spouse disagrees with decision or discipline of other
  spouse?

• How should daughters be raised?

• How should sons be raised?

• Goals for Children?

• What if older children disagree with some of your beliefs?

• How much should family be away from home when young, when older?

• Ideas about memorizing Scripture, catechizing, family worship

• Dresses vs. pants on little girls, older girls

• Standards that govern relationships with those of opposite sex

• What are your views on childrens friends who are not in this faith. What would be the limits in exposure to that?

• What are your thoughts on family worship? What would be the key attributes of such a practice in your home?

• When you fail someone, what actions do you take to rectify the situation?

• Are you honest? Do you ever slant the truth for your own benefit?

• How have you prepared yourself for marriage? In what ways?

• In what ways do you think you may need to grow before marriage?

• What does “leave and cleave” mean to you? Are you prepared to put your wife first, before all others, including your parents? Give me an example of what this may look like to you.

 

Finances ***PLEASE DO NOT OVERLOOK THIS, IT SHOULD BE TOP PRIORITY IN THE BEGINNING QUESTIONS, BE DETAILED!

• Budgets, bookkeeping, how to handle household finances

• Categories of spending in budget

• Who is responsible for what in finances?

• How to work together on bookkeeping, paperwork

• Joint account or separate accounts?

• Debt

• Credit cards

• Used vs. new – cars, clothes, etc.

• Should wife ever contribute to household income through work or home business?

• Tithes, offerings, benevolence

• Savings

• Savings/investments for children?

• Investments

 

Education

• Schooling options – only homeschooling

• What are your views on homeschooling?

• Co-ops

• What are the goals you seek to reach as you school your children?

• What subjects are most important?

•  Would you consider having others teach your children certain subjects?

• Schooling methods

• Music education

• Scriptural instruction – how and when

• Is college an option for older homeschooled children

• Would you put high school age children into a community college program

• Would you accept free benefits from the government school system

• Would you report your homeschooling to the government school authorities

• What is the father’s role in homeschooling

• What is the mother’s role in homeschooling?

 

Moral Standards

• What are your standards of propriety in dress? How do you dress?

• Describe your standards of dress for women?

• What are your views on head coverings for women?

• What are your views on public swimming?

• Do you use offensive language?

• Do you watch television, R-rated movies? PG-rated movies? What were the last five movies you watched?

• What kind of music do you prefer? What kind of music would you find offensive?

• Have you ever been exposed to pornography? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances.

• Have you ever been exposed to homosexuality? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances.

• Do you currently use any type of drugs? Have you in your past? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances.

• Do you have any financial debt? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances.

• Have you ever been in trouble with the law? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances.

• What tendencies do you have toward prejudice or racism?

• Have you ever had periods of rebellion?  If so, explain the extent and the circumstances. 

• Are there any unsettled issues with your parents?

 

Political:

• Does wife vote according to husband’s direction or by her own conscience after his counsel?

• What if wife disagrees with husband?

•  When is resistance to government appropriate?

• What is role of government?

• NWO

 

Miscellaneous Discussion Starters

• What is your attitude toward pets? Indoor? Outdoor?

• What is (are) your favorite sources for news?

• What are your interests, hobbies, talents?

• What are your income producing (vocational) skills?

• What is your attitude toward family (home) business?

• What do you value most highly in life? What next?

• What do you tend to do in your spare time?

• What is your involvement in sports? Do you participate, attend games, watch it on TV? To what extent? What sports do you like?

• If “your” daughter were marrying “you,” what cautions would you have?

• What are your thoughts on alternative medicine?

• What are your thoughts on immunizations?

• Insurance options

• Prenatal care

• Medical care? Alternative? etc.

• What is the role of psychology in the life of a believer?

• Do you prefer to live in the city, suburbs, town, or country; farm, seaside, mountains, or desert? Why?

• Describe a typical week day in your life from start to finish.

• Describe a typical Shabbat in your life from start to finish.

• Describe a typical Sunday in your life from start to finish.

 

Time

• Morning person or night person?

• Schedule or not?

• How flexible?

• Arrive early or late to commitments?

• How much time for work vs. how much time for play?

 

Use of leisure time:

• What are appropriate uses of leisure time?

• Reading materials

• Regarding movies, games, etc

• TV?

• Vacations – What makes a good vacation? How often? What are inexpensive alternatives for young families?

• Date times for young parents

• How much leisure time vs. work time in day, on weekend, etc.?

• Musical preferences

• Background music or quiet?

 

Dreams

• Desired accomplishments – Writing? Business? Music? Etc.

• Travel – when, where, how much

• Family

• Home

• Estate

• Vocation

• Education

 

Other

• Musical standards

• Clothing standards

• Traffic laws

• Gardens

• Pets

• Livestock for meat

• Slaughtering of animals to eat

 

Your Future

• Can you describe your life purpose, i.e., how you intend to use your interests, experiences, skills, and talents to serve and glorify Elohim?

• What role would your wife and children play in your life purpose?

• What role would your job/career play in your life purpose?

• Where do you see yourself in 10 years? In 20 years?

• Where do you see yourself spiritually in 10 years? In 20 years?

• Soul Sleep?

 

Expectations

• Do you have a personal timetable for marriage? If so, what is it?

• What type of education are you hoping that your future wife will have?

• List the five most important characteristics of a wife (for you personally).

• List any characteristics or personality traits that would bother or irritate you in a wife.

 

So, the way our family chooses to live out these precepts is just that – our choice with YHWH's guidance. It is our application of the biblical precepts found in Scripture. You may choose a very different path with your family and your children. Each family’s version of courtship and/or betrothal will look different – and it may even look different from child to child.